Character

The term "caractérielle" refers to an irascible person with a difficult temperament, constantly dissatisfied and incessantly complaining, frequently blaming others. It is a vulnerable, unpredictable, excessive, and irritable individual who can one day display a big smile and the next day sulk the entire day for no apparent reason. The slightest annoyance affects her mood, and she cannot control her emotions. Impulsively, they display exaggerated and inappropriate reactions to normal circumstances. Her selfish propensity drives her to repeat this behavior: the more she "unleashes" on others, the more it allows her to vent her anger. Indeed, she establishes her authority through this climate of fear: as long as no one dares to challenge her, she sees no need to question herself!

 It is not a pathological disorder but a behavioral disorder. An individual with a character disorder can be perceived as a moderately neurotic person. This behavior is frequently a defense mechanism stemming from childhood. Severe, exigent, and perfectionist parents may have served as a model even when they gave plenty of encouragement carefully because their immense need for compliments was insatiable. But it is mainly the lack of self-esteem, a high level of stress and anxiety, difficulties in regulating one's emotions, as well as a propensity for melancholy, even depression, that can paradoxically justify this attitude of defensive withdrawal. This behavior does not always manifest uniformly and presents in various degrees. The person can be simply irritable and moody but can also adopt a distinctly more toxic attitude. Authoritarian and contemptuous, they can also be insulting, aggressive, or even violent towards their close circle, who then feel as if they are living in a true daily hell. We are almost in the presence of a tormentor seeking a victim, instilling terror around them.

The person with a difficult character, even in their most tolerable and livable manifestations, reveals the worst side of their personality. Bitter, impatient, and negative, it was impossible to engage in a conversation with her or to be heard. Her relationships with her loved ones, whether family or professional, are often extremely tense. What is most difficult to endure, aside from the incessant criticism, is that the individual spreads an underlying bad mood to those around them. This creates an atmosphere of misunderstandings, injustices, and tensions. The moment is no longer conducive to resting or rejoicing. The tensions are constant and the conflicts frequent if the loved ones are ready to react. Opposite pitfall: others learn to withdraw to avoid provoking the temperamental one to avoid inciting their anger. They soften their words and speak with caution to communicate in a nuanced manner. At work, we adopt a discreet attitude to prevent the crisis. We wait for the storm to pass at home. We inevitably end up getting tired in the absence of rebellion. Coexisting with a person of difficult character proves particularly complex in the long term. Encouraging the individual to see a therapist appears to be the only viable solution. It is indeed difficult, without external assistance, to make someone aware of the toxicity of their behavior.

The person with a difficult character is in a state of denial. For her, it is others who are the problem. When the individual becomes aware of their identity and the influence of their actions on others, change becomes possible. Once the causes are identified, the effect diminishes quickly. The goal of therapy is to show the individual that this negative mood represents an insidious poison, both for others and for themselves. She can identify an approach to assert herself in a more constructive way.

Three recommendations to consider

1. Don't let your emotions take over in the face of this sudden anger that appears without warning. Breathe deeply and cut the conversation short by stating a simple observation: "It's a shame you feel that way." It's your opinion; I respect it but don't share it and leave the room to take a deep breath.

2. Avoid getting involved in the game of a person with a difficult temperament: the more you try to prove your point of view, the more it exacerbates their anger. If this person is not a close acquaintance, distance yourself from them. Otherwise, learn to distance yourself from their remarks without trying to oppose them.

3. Do not allow their behavior to influence yours! Responding to their bad mood with a similar attitude is a mistake, as it perpetuates the negative spiral. Instead, oppose her with humor to show her that it is possible to express things differently.

Silence

                                                    Lonely tree, collage and oil painting

                                                                          Amarie

Silence can be a deliverance. After my studies at university, I started working on the Belgian coast with a colleague, overwhelmed by a season in full swing. He was a cheerful individual, consistently in a positive mood, yet possessed an abundance of words. He did not stop for an entire day, being able to last hours of conversation without getting tired. Some talkative customers came to keep him company for a while, to sit in the chemists' shop, to have a chat, and to tell the latest jokes of the moment. Often he would embellish them with new items, making them funnier or more salacious to try to debauch me and make me blush under the pretext of opening my pure, ignorant, inexperienced ears to the real world. He passionately believed that my education, which was too serious for his taste, was to be perfected. Of course, working in this environment could be terribly frustrating because you did not have the opportunity to place a single word. At the end of the day, you had your head foggy with all his gossip, sensible, demented, and absurd verbiage. I would have given a fortune for him to be silent for even ten minutes to regain my senses and my concentration. Our days were already incredibly stressful due to the extra work, and a moment of silence would have been most beneficial. Silence allows us to replenish our energy. It lowers blood pressure, decreases stress and hormone levels, decreases anxiety, and promotes neuron growth. Afterwards, to de-stress from such tiring days by drawing and painting, silence promoted my creativity and serenity.

On the other hand, silence can become unpleasant, painful, and poisonous when one waits for an explanation or the outcome of a project. Sentences, ideas, and questions that we expect answers, replies, and retorts never manage to hatch. The more time passes, the more the silence weighs on us, and the more painful, unagreeable, and frustrating it becomes. By dint of waiting, hoping, and wishing, we get disappointed; we drop in bitter disgust; we have disturbing dissatisfaction; and even a certain anger holds you by the throat.

Silence is the act of being peaceful, listening to, and saying nothing to reflect in ourselves and abandon prejudices. Silence is a way to communicate when feelings are difficult to express and there is a fear of being misunderstood. This can help avoid misunderstandings and conflicts on topics that are not worth discussing. Words spoken in anger can be regretted and cause deep, ineffaceable harm. It is often said that words are silver and silence is golden. Speech is considered less noble than silence because it can lead to confusion, error, or conflicts, while silence allows for listening, observing, and feeling. Silence can thus serve as a basis for achieving inner peace and mastery of one's thoughts.

It took time to understand that there is a lack of emotional education in some individuals to express their feelings. Not knowing how to manage emotions such as anger and sadness, they take refuge in silence. I am convinced that it is a hundred times better than enduring their repressed feelings that explode without control.

Spiritual life and bouddhisme

In our Western societies, many topics were considered taboo in social exchanges: the revelation of one's religious practices or beliefs, affiliation with a political party, discussion of one's intimate life and sexual orientations, disclosure of one's salary, budget, or investment income, etc. It was inappropriate to discuss these subjects with others due to their untimely nature and the risk of conflict.

The Western world, primarily composed of followers of the Catholic, Protestant, or Jewish faiths, is gradually witnessing the decline of these beliefs in favor of other denominations. The main catalyst for the decline of the influence of the Catholic Church was the Second Vatican Council, which took place from 1962 to 1965. Supposed to bring modernization to the church, this initiative nevertheless led to a sudden break in religious practice. This change has led to a completely different perception of worship, now less considered an indispensable social and moral duty. Most believers do not completely abandon their faith but set aside the practices taught for decades, and part of their convictions is brutally shattered. Recently, the church has been shaken by sexual conflicts, and numerous dubious practices within its institutions have come to light. Which only poisoned an already very precarious situation.

What stands out to me now is that the three predominant religions - Judaism, Catholicism, and Islam - coexisted in Palestine, yet they are now the source of enduring conflict. Every faith possesses a distinct location in Jerusalem. The Temple Mount, also known as Mount Moriah, holds religious significance for the Jewish people. According to the Bible, Solomon's temple contained the Tablets of the Law and the Ark of the Covenant. The Holy Sepulchre is venerated by Christians as it contains the tomb of Jesus Christ, where he is thought to have been interred following his crucifixion. The Temple Mount, situated in the same location as the Al-Aqsa Mosque, is the third most sacred site for Muslims, following Mecca and Medina. This is the location where the prophet Muhammad is believed to have ascended on a winged horse to encounter Allah. Would it not be fitting to compare these three faiths and coexist in a state of universal tranquility? Historically, numerous religions have instigated protracted and violent conflicts; why not pursue a spiritual existence that honors humanity and nature and ensures tranquility?

The Buddhist monks are engaged in tranquil meditation, immersed in prayer and intense contemplation on the nature of their existence. This practice is frequently regarded as a philosophy, a religion, and a lifestyle simultaneously. Philosophy provides profound contemplation on the essence of existence, suffering, and the journey toward awakening or enlightenment. The Buddha imparted teachings like the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, which serve as frameworks for ethical living and deep comprehension of reality. It qualifies as a religion due to its fulfillment of conventional religious functions, including rites and ceremonies. It encompasses ideas regarding reincarnation, karma, and spiritual entities like the Buddha and the bodhisattvas. Ultimately, it constitutes a way of life because of its pronounced focus on daily practice and personal growth. Meditation, compassion, ethics, and wisdom are elements incorporated into the daily routines of practitioners. Buddhism, as a lifestyle, can serve as a source of happiness, well-being, and joy. This faith originated in India between the 6th and 5th centuries BCE and has persisted through the millennia to the present day. In nations where Buddhism has established itself, it coexists harmoniously with other faiths: Confucianism (Southeast Asia), Taoism (China), Shinto (Japan), and Bön (Tibet). Buddhism remains fundamentally a philosophical, mythical, and ritualistic framework. It does not depend on supernatural revelation, a creator deity, or sacred texts, which enhances its durability over time.

Optimism

Optimism is a conquest, a choice of life, a decision that at a given moment we can choose to make or not to make to give meaning to everything that happens to us. Optimism is a strategy to positively build one's future, but if misused or taken to excess, it can cause more suffering than anything else due to the disappointment it can bring. Optimism is the key to joy and often a lock against sadness. However, we cannot deny what sometimes happens to us without warning, such as the death of a loved one. So, on the contrary, it is necessary to leave the door open for sadness to express itself. Otherwise, repressed and unacknowledged sadness will surely not be a source of balance and joy but rather of stress and unhealthy tension.

Hauser & Dimash

In the nineties, when Starmania, composed by Michel Berger, was released, I listened to that moving composition "Only the very best" sung in English by Peter Kingsbery and the French version "SOS, pour un terrien en détresse," sung by Daniel Balavoine. Nothing to do with the version by Dimash Qudaibergen accompanied by the cello of Croatian virtuoso Stjepan Hauser. When I listen to this idyllic music, I get chills, I am deeply moved, and I literally melt into tears in front of so much talent and beauty. Dimash is particularly endowed with an impressive vocal range, covering more than seven octaves, practically the extent of my piano, which I played a long time, from the low la0 of the lowest register (bass) to the highest notes of the soprano register up to the whistle register re8. He is capable of transitioning from the pop register to the lyrical register very quickly, producing melismas and very complex vocal figures without apparent difficulty, and he also masters the whistle voice, which is the highest register of the human vocal range considered the most extensive in the world. I am astounded; I close my eyes, unable to believe that these sounds originate from a single person. I feel as though I'm dreaming. As for Hauser, the talented, rebellious virtuoso. Listen to his Adagio by Albinoni; it's fantastic, marvelous, and emotional. There are no words great enough to describe this talent.

Fidelity

                                                                Inkt drawing by Amarie

It's a hollow idea, a blind human vanity, as if one possessed something, as if one believed oneself to be immortal, as if one were. Everything is vanity, nothing but vanity, said Bossuet.

Now, while writing my family's story, I realized how much I had come to love them. A great love that is usually reserved only for one's own family: my daughters, my son, my husband, and my grandchildren. Long before, I knew that when I held them in my arms, this fervor would fade away. This filial love gradually faded starting from my sister's marriage, more brutally with my brother's, and completely disappeared with the death of my parents. Thus, I fortuitously came to know the cruelty of denial and the family's everlasting disdain from the moment my brother became engaged to his beloved. Despite the overwhelming adulation of his mother, the unconditional love of his sisters, and his father's demonstration of attachment by preparing boxes of non-perishable food every month with clockwork regularity. We will never see them again; we will know nothing more about them; we will never share any celebrations or feelings; we will no longer learn about any family events, whether happy, sad, or joyful. I felt a deep sorrow, especially at the thought of knowing what strong lie they managed to invent to quell any desire to meet us, to know us, and to deprive their children of the affection we could have shown them. Were we to be cursed to that extent, and for what reason?

Father, adored by so many, died ignored, abandoned, and forsaken by his own son. My sadness and my tears were of no use, not even to soothe me.

As for my children, since they were little, I know that this warmth will abandon me, that these bodies I caress with so much maternal love, I know they will leave; I have known this fear from the beginning. With friends, I know this absence nestled in the most tender arms, this solitude where you are left even if you are loved, where you end up being left, even if you come back, this solitude and this regret that are sometimes shared. Of course, that's life; loyalty crumbles and melts like snow in the sun. What a gamble to believe it is stronger than time! Moreover, do we ask a child to remain faithful to their mother because they lived in her womb? Do we demand from them eternally this recognition, stupid and vain: the recognition of the womb? Go, my little ones, go without remorse; I know you love me; why would I add the bonds of blood and skin to the thousand genetic chains that already bind us?

The bond between the children and me is my husband. As children, I watched them seize the paternal body, assault it, climb onto its back, throw themselves around its neck and into its arms, shouting with joy. The charmed father lets them do as they please; he offers himself everything. They pull his ears, stick their fingers in his nostrils, jump on his belly, pummel him with little punches; the father is a conquered territory. Every time the mother watches her children's game, she loves her husband. You must understand, couples, despite themselves, stay together for the children. You shouldn't be jaded; it's a perpetual surprise, a marvel that a man made possible. Making love, having a child, isn't that more than enough to justify the bonds of marriage, to keep them tight? Here lies the immense power of progeny, beyond fidelity, to strengthen family bonds. The discovery-hungry adolescents will gradually free themselves from the bonds as they embark on the winding paths of their own lives, only to return on their steps with graying temples.

This is an extract of my book "Quatre Siècles" by my pseudonym, Elisa Grindale edited by Baudelaire

Luck and Happiness

                                                             Aquarel  painted by Amarie

    Luck

It is of no use

to cheer or to grumble

you see the flowers you pick

  still wither in time

The great art always lurks

In dealing with your chances

When luck comes your way

Then you have to dance with it

Toon Herman

Happiness

Throughout my life, the question of my happiness has rarely arisen for me. It is well known that happiness is made up of moments of experienced happiness, and that moments of sorrow, illness, torment, or misfortune are just as transient as happiness. On the other hand, I argue that happiness initially relies on favorable circumstances such as the chance—though I hesitate to use this term—of being born into a specific geographical, national, familial, and environmental context, and evolving in a middle social environment, with favorable origins, healthy values, and genes free from major defects. Having a fulfilling social life is an essential element for psychological well-being and a sense of personal satisfaction. Having financially stable, balanced, intelligent parents who are in good physical and mental health becomes a major advantage. When they also possess a pure heart capable of appreciating beauty in all aspects of human life, such as music, painting, sculpture, singing, architecture, and the sciences, one feels immense happiness without necessarily being aware of it. Then, the situation takes a more personal turn.

Each of us is unique and has an individual perception of life. Happiness resides within us; it is extremely delicate and can shatter at any moment. Vigilance and tolerance are essential elements to permanently sustain the existence of this treasure. For the adult, happiness was associated with fulfilling obligations towards their parents, their work, their spouse, and their children. We dedicated many hours each week to our work, household chores, and gardening. However, this constraint was largely offset by the pleasure of sharing family sports activities such as horseback riding, as well as the possibility of going on vacation as a couple. Quickly overcoming torments and trials, without fearing the worst sufferings, allows one to lead a life of unparalleled depth and to bring forth a vitality and inner strength to work towards one's own fulfillment. It is undeniable that a life without difficulties or obstacles does not exist; it goes without saying that happiness is a precious and authentic treasure that is not found in a life of idleness and ease.

To achieve happiness, it is essential to distance oneself from harmful relationships, toxic environments, harmful gossip, and malicious individuals. Being able to give more than to receive and to face criticism and jealousy. I have observed that basic social interactions, such as affectionate exchanges or everyday friendly conversations, could have a notable impact on my quality of life. It is emotional satisfaction that will guide me in making wise decisions and lead me towards true success. Thus, happiness is closely linked to the core of judgments and living conditions that promote attentive and thoughtful voluntary activity. In other words, it is possible to assert that our happiness partly depends on our perceptions and interpretations. It is undeniable that material conditions have a certain influence on our authentic well-being. It is unlikely that one will achieve happiness while constantly facing financial difficulties. Fortunately, a divorce or a tragic event should not have a lasting effect on our well-being. In both situations, the body is subjected to a level of stress similar to that caused by a positive event. The body does not distinguish between positive stress and negative stress, that is, between eustress and distress. Living conditions have a limited impact on us due to the great adaptability of our bodies. This is encouraging news: external circumstances, which are beyond our control, have a minimal impact on our long-term well-being!

This does not explain why my two grandfathers lost their lives in a fit of distress and why I feel a great cold falling on me due to the abandonment of a person who was very close to my soul. With the heightened sensitivity of my age, I will never get over it again.

Flowers touch the heart where words can no longer reach it!